I am not sure if I should be writing this late at night but will give this a go.
Tonight I was sitting and thinking, which I have done a lot latly, about my family. When I say this I mean my family uint of 6, one husband, one wife, four daughters. I do not like to talk about the personal journey we are on very often and when people ask me how I am doing the answer is usually fine. Well I will be honest that is not true but unloading that question is tricky. See the thing is we do not see things the same any more. We have all been changed. God threw us in the fire and is making something beautiful.
It is hard to hear, though I know that I take it the wrong way, what a great and wonderful thing we are doing in Haiti. I battle day in and out with the thin line between being humble and accepting what God is doing in our lives and wanting to scream that this God is amazing which sometimes feels like boasting. As a missionary I fell very judged. It is hard to think that I am making a difference when I truly only see it as, the place God put me so what is the big deal. Some days it is really hard to see how much he is doing in our lives and not cry because I do not understand whey we deserve his grace and provision. For all those that listen to God's call on you heart to support us, THANK YOU.
Along with accepting God's grace the pain of the fire. This comes in the form of loss more often than we would like to admit. We are now in a place of constant loss and change. Nothing is the same day to day though everything around me looks the same. The constant battle of boundries is a real struggle. When do you let your gaurd down and when do you let people in. We have become close as a family in this. Family meals, we have that down to an art 2-3 times a day. We are always together. The girls have to be each others best friends. This is not a life I would have planned for me. But, is what you have planned really what God has in store for you. The answer is most often no.
Many days I would love to get on a plane and leave. There are dreams that the grass would be greener on the other side. The children often remind me that they are right where they want to be. They can not imagine their life any other way. They are wonderful and growing in ways I would never have thought possiable. Yet they are going through the fire too. Each in there own way but still the hardships of this world.
Tonight for examle there were three very different situations but very clear on how our life is molding my children:
Heidi tonight took full resposability for the two little ones in our care getting them ready for bed. She bathes them prepares their bottles and rocks them. She loves her baby snuggles.
Maggie decided she would help make dinner. She prepared yeast rolls and pasta. The pasta was green and the rolls were red for the holidays.
Rosie struggles with if I love her and how there are kids without moms. It is weighing on her that the kids she is surronded by do not have parents and what it means to be adopted. Along with this is the loss of missionary friends that have left the field. Her struggle is loss. She is a soul that feels the weight of this world. Though threw all of this her smile lights up a room.
Katie well here is the tricky one. I am not even sure what to say. We battle betweeen keeping clothes on her and her thumb out of her mouth to adding and learning to read in the same 30 mins. She is struggling playing by herself. This may just be due to being the baby of the family but one never knows.
So where are my struggles in this. I do not think I have a purpose here. I know that I am here to support Joel and that is a wonderful thing but even when doing what God wants you to do does not always mean you feel your purpose. I say feel because a lot of the good work done in the kingdom can not go on feelings alone. Feelings are a dangerous weapon the enemy will use to bring us down. It is very hard day in and out to see all the good your spouse is doing and feel that they could be doing that without you. Where do I fit in. Now please everyone don't panic we are not falling apart but these are real struggles that I know many people deal with no matter where you are.
Much of this comes from being a stay at home mom, and teacher to my kids. Trying to feel strong in that role is very difficult. The monotony of the task is real. I am sure when I am 44 and reading this I will say it was all worth it but man in the middle of raising kids is a battle zone. I will not be the first to say it or the last. I will say it again this is very hard.
My life does not contain the crazy stories Joel's does. I sit and listen to them just the same as you do. Everyday is a new adventure. There is always one more prayer said for his safty. A prayer that today is another day that we are doing what God called us to do.
We have been her a little over two years now and the one thing that we know for sure that God is not done with us yet. We are just getting started. For better or worse my hope is in eternity.
